Since this is my first column, I’ll start by telling you a little bit about myself. I’ve been a clinical therapist for nearly 20 years, a business and personal coach since 1997, and I have devoted a good chunk of my professional life helping women survive and thrive in the workplace. My purpose here – as well as my fervent hope and desire – is to accomplish the same for you, whether you’re a business owner, a top-level exec or simply a rising star.
All the questions you were afraid to ask friends and co-workers will be answered right here. Understand that while men and women have similar difficulties at work, they must handle them, for a variety of reasons, differently. The sad fact is, despite women’s achievements in recent decades in all areas of life, negative stereotypes and perceptions still exist. There’s a reason why 30 percent of women are venturing out to run their own businesses rather than tackling the jungle of the status quo.
The following questions display a variety of dilemmas my clients have experienced. I’m sure they’ll strike a familiar chord, trigger a nerve or stir up some of your own frustrations. But I’m here to help. So get excited, get your questions together and fire them off to me. Together we’ll try our best to overcome your obstacles and move onward and upward.
Q: I’m a lawyer and have been with the same company for three years. I’m a hard worker and always come in early and stay late. But what I’ve noticed is that the men here, even the ones with less experience, are getting tougher, more high-profile cases. What can I do to get my bosses’ attention and prove myself?
A: Hate to tell you this, but hard work is not enough. In fact, working long hours may actually signal to your bosses that you’re having problems finishing things. Remember that it’s not the hours that count but the finished product. Try to make your work exceed expectations. And don’t stop there. Most women feel they should be acknowledged automatically for exceptional work. In a perfect world, they should. The reality, however, is quite different. Have you watched the men around you? I’ll bet they’re tooting their own horn constantly, even for work you consider sub par. My advice is to keep track of your achievements in a file. It’ll not only make you feel proud of what you’ve done but will arm you with the ammunition you need to lobby for that next big case. Mind you, don’t brag, but casually slip in these “high points” during opportune moments of critical conversations.
Q: I’ve recently been promoted into senior management, and while I’m incredibly excited about this, I’m finding I’ve suddenly become less assertive than I used to be. I’m avoiding decision-making situations and speaking up during company meetings because I’m afraid to say something dumb. Advancement is important to me. Can you help?
A: The good news is that your problem is a common one. In fact, it’s the No. 1 problem most businesswomen suffer from – “the imposter syndrome” – the unrealistic fear that you’ll be found out not to have the right stuff for the job. The first step is to think realistically and positively. The likelihood is that you wouldn’t have been promoted if you didn’t deserve it. So, rest assured, you belong. Women usually feel more confident when they learn more, so it might be a good idea to take classes and read books, either in your field or out, to improve yourself. Combine this with taking small risks to build your self-confidence. Take on a new challenging assignment, volunteer to speak at a conference or talk to someone in your company who makes you feel uncomfortable. Again, do what men do – fake it until you make it. Realize that no one is an expert in everything and that you have control over negative thoughts. Projecting a confident exterior is essential for getting ahead.
Q: I feel funny asking this question because I’ve been fortunate in my career, but after working in my field for 10 years and advancing like clockwork, I now want to marry and have children. My goal is to be a CEO someday. Is it possible to have it all or am I asking for too much?
A: Of course, it’s possible. According to a recent article in Fortune Magazine, “more than one-third of the women on the Fortune 50 have stay-at-home husbands.” Having a supportive spouse and asking for help for certain tasks are the keys. One sure-fire way to help you focus is to set clear life priorities. Be sure not to forget to include yourself in the equation. You are a top priority. Ask yourself: What makes me happy and energized? Playing golf? Reading a suspense novel? Listening to rock music? Getting a long, soothing massage? A happy you will want to conquer the world.
How to cure a case of Too Busy Disorder
Iris Geffner
The longer Stephanie waited, the more chaotic her life became. For years, in something of self-denial, the 36-year-old attorney for a prestigious Hampton Roads law firm told herself, “OK, things are tough, but tomorrow will be better.”
Except tomorrow was never better. In fact, it grew increasingly worse. She was always running to the doctor about something or another: stomach problems, irritability, sleep difficulties, persistent headaches. Concerned that Stephanie could have an ulcer, her doctor ordered her to slow down or else. By the time she called me, she knew something was very wrong. So did I. What she thought was a perfect life was in reality a life spinning out of control. Juggling her work life with real life – mother of two sons, involved in church, active in the PTA, supportive of her husband’s accounting career, helping care for her ailing grandmother – left her little time to breathe.
Indeed, striking the right balance between career and real life is the No. 1 topic on working women’s minds these days. Whether aired on talks shows or conferences or seen in magazines and books, the most common complaints are exhaustion, anxiety, frustration, depression and a downright inability to relax. In other words, if we don’t watch out, we’re on the fast track to a total meltdown.
Even highly successful, intelligent and dedicated women ignore all the warning signs of what’s been referred to jokingly as TBD – Too Busy Disorder. Is this what women have worked so hard for? Is this the best we can achieve for accomplishing so much the last four decades? No, it isn’t. We deserve better, and with a little attitude adjustment we can have it.
So, sit back and look at the big picture. Who are you? What do you want? Where do you want to go? In my coaching practice, I usually get in response to those questions a befuddled shrug of the shoulders and a stammering, “I just don’t know.” Until you know who you really are and what you want most and where exactly you hope to go, attaining a harmonious life will be all but impossible.
Here are specific steps to a blissful work-life balance. Remember: Be honest with yourself and be willing to learn new ways to live.
Sit down in a quiet place and with a pen and paper write down a detailed commitment statement – and sign it. Share it with your family and close friends, asking for support, and keep it where you’ll see it every day.
• Clarify your core values. What are your underlying principles and rules that guide your action and decisions?
• Determine your priorities and create time for them, (doing homework with your child, playing golf, going to the doctor).
• Choose the employer that best meets your personal needs. (See 100 Best Companies for Working Mothers List, “Working Mother Magazine,” October 2003. We have some right here in Hampton Roads – Wachovia, Booz Allen Hamilton, Prudential Financial Inc.)
• Examine your work environment. Use technology, flexible work schedules and telecommuting to make life easier.
• Organize your goals daily and have realistic expectations.
• Analyze how you spend your time.
• Develop good time management skills at work and at home.
• Identify obstacles that stand in the way of your goals. Be determined to overcome them.
• Hire help for tasks that can be done by others (house cleaning, landscaping, car detailing).
• Get a calendar and schedule vacations and important events far in advance.
• Take time for yourself.
• Take time to eat healthier meals. Eating well will increase your energy.
• Don’t feel guilty – there are acceptable tradeoffs. (For example, it’s OK to play with your children instead of reading the latest work journal.)
• Have a good sense of humor and laugh as much as possible.
And most of all, S-L-O-W D-O-W-N.
I’m sure many of you are saying right now, “Yeah, yeah, all that sounds fine and dandy, but there’s no way I can get everything done unless I kill myself.” First off, take the “I” out of that statement and put in “we.” Involve your spouse, family, friends and employer in your success. For most upwardly mobile working women, it’s virtually impossible to do everything yourself. Something will fall through the cracks, often your physical or mental health.
With energy, persistence, confidence, self-awareness, planning, realistic expectations, support, conviction, flexibility and the ability to roll with the punches, we can all lead healthier, more productive lives.
If You Think You Can, Then You Probably Can
Iris Geffner
Lack of self-esteem: Of the hundreds of working women I’ve counseled, it’s the No. 1 reason why a good percentage never reach their potential. While societal changes continue to afford us greater and greater opportunities, without that supremely confident inner core, a real belief in self, the likelihood of significant career achievement remains slim. Haven’t we all met brilliant women who seem painfully below their rightful place on the success ladder? “I thought she would’ve been something more by now,” we think to ourselves, perplexed. “I wonder what’s wrong.”
There’s an important lesson to be learned by that: Though acquired knowledge and skills are indeed important, they matter little if you don’t truly believe you can do something with them.
Which brings me to my client Jennifer, a 31-year-old manager for an accounting firm. Jennifer is articulate, hard working, and even attained a master’s degree from a highly respected university. Despite all those positives, she’s been stuck in the same position for nine years, all the time watching her colleagues advance and make more money. Unable to figure out what was going on, she became increasingly frustrated with her stagnation, angry with her boss, and thought seriously about quitting her job. After our initial discussion, however, it was obvious—at least to me—that she was irritated more with herself than her boss.
Jennifer explained that she’d totally freeze and never say a peep during crucial meetings, desperately afraid of “appearing dumb.” In fact, prior to these meetings, she’d think to herself in a panic, “Oh, God, I hope he doesn’t ask me for my opinion,” or “ Oh, please, I hope he doesn’t single me out for the lousy job I’ve been doing.” This kind of severe self-doubt was permeating Jennifer’s mindset, crippling her emotionally and setting up a roadblock to her upward mobility. As a result, though appearing jovial and upbeat in the workplace, she was, in the privacy of her own home, a resentful and bitter basket case sabotaging the very thing she wanted most.
Within time, Jennifer came to realize that her losing mindset, not her boss, was holding her back.
Have you ever had strange, recurring thoughts where you suddenly felt, for no reason whatsoever, brainlessly inadequate? No, you’re not crazy—although you might be thinking crazily. That’s what was happening to Jennifer. The truth is, all of us, no matter where we fall on the socioeconomic plane, get these fleeting negative thoughts. What do they mean? What do they say about us? And how do the ones who eventually break through to be major successes move beyond them?
Think about the businesswomen you admire. They fearlessly take risks, make quick decisions, and exude a sense that they can achieve anything. They act like they deserve good things and so, like a self-fulfilling prophecy, they ultimately get good things.
For Jennifer, her lack of self-esteem manifested in a complete incapability to trust her own decisions, abilities, and coping skills. The only protection she had from exposing her insecurities was to say it was someone else’s fault and that it was probably time to go. She’d avoid pressure situations by not taking on new tasks, be sick for important meetings and take vacations during critical times in the company’s year. Fortunately, before it was too late, before completing this journey down this self-destructive, self-defeating path, Jennifer came to see me.
Jennifer’s problems likely began during childhood. Growing up with a hypercritical, conditional and demanding parent, left Jennifer consumed with negativity. Unrealistic expectations resulted in feelings of insecurity, fear of failure and fear of rejection. I had my work cut out for me.
First, Jennifer’s thinking process had to go. Her thoughts focused on a negative belief system. I had Jennifer, in a journal, write down every negative thought that popped into her head. After offering numerous excuses why she couldn’t do it, she finally agreed. Within a week, Jennifer realized how often she put herself down in her work and personal life. Becoming aware of your thoughts is the first step to improvement.
Next, I told Jennifer to take every negative thought and ask the question, “What evidence do I have today that this is true?” Jennifer began to slowly understand the reality of her thoughts. Most of her thoughts weren’t actually true at all. In fact, they were ridiculous. Understanding and accepting the truth about herself was crucial to the process. Unconditional self-love, especially acceptance of being less than perfect, is the key to developing strong self-esteem.
I then had Jennifer write down all her realities, strengths and talents on a separate piece of paper. This paper became her weapon against her own destruction. Whenever she had a negative thought, she had the truth in her back pocket. In time, her negative self-perceptions were replaced with the real Jennifer.
However, sometimes, even with the truth by our side, we can still become shaky. That’s where developing a strong support system comes in. Jennifer compiled a list with phone numbers of her most loved and trusted friends and family. They all agreed she could call them the second she couldn’t rid herself of a negative thought.
At this point, Jennifer was able to see she was running away from a very good job with an excellent company. Staying and taking more risks helped her be noticed and advance. In essence, she was not following the old script anymore. She created a new, healthier, more positive one that will take her further than she ever imagined. Jennifer was willing to put the time and the effort into making lasting change.
Was she all done? Not by a long shot. Those unsettling messages still came back occasionally, but less frequently. Jennifer now had the tools to combat the attacks. Creating a new mindset take months and sometimes years. However, what do we do if the negative thoughts linger? Improve yourself, through school, books, coaching or possibly therapy.
The good news is, like Jennifer, you can retrieve your “lost” self-esteem. Not overnight. But within time. There are no quick fixes. The first step is to realize that you’re worth it and you’re worth the time it will take. Be committed to YOU.
Iris Geffner, LCSW is the President of Coach for Success for Women.
